He Kōrero Kāinga Noho
me ngā mihi ki a rātou kua haere atu i mua, ko Geoffrey Chaucer tonu me tāna pukapuka, Canterbury Tales.
with apologies to those who have gone before, especially to Geoffrey Chaucer and the Canterbury Tales
He ngārara au. He taniwhā pea. He nanakia, ae. Engari kāore e kitea ana au.
I am something of a villain, maybe even a Taniwhā. I am wicked and completely invisible.
Tino iti rawaatu taku āhua, tino tino iti. Kei te ora au tā ētahi.
That is because I am very, very small. Some say I am alive.
He hinengaro kamakama, kāore he whatu, kāore he taringa, kāore ānini tā te kiri nōku.
I appear to have a sharp brain, though no eyes, ears or sensation in my skin.
He ngārara wheori ahau.
In fact….I am a virus.
Ko taku momo haere ko te kawea, nō wīwī nō wāwā, ki ngā wāhi katoa, kei
My mode of transport is to be carried, hither and thither, to all sorts of places
roto i ngā tāngata puta noa, hei aha te tau, te tāne, te wahine, te tamariki,
inside people randomly, no matter how old, men or women, young or
te pakeke rānei. Kāore i te aukati te tangata ki ahau. Ka kīia e tētahi ka taea ahau e te
old. In fact nobody can stop me. Some say I can even be carried by
kurī e haere. He reka tēnei momo haerenga. E kore te uauatanga, e kore te utu,
pets. This type of life suits me very well. It is not difficult, costs nothing
kua wātea kē te haere. E kore te tangata e mōhio tāku noho. Ka
and the path is open. Nobody knows I am sitting there.
ngōki au ki te waha, te ihu rānei. Taihoa au ki te mare, te tīhei rānei, rānō, ā…. atu!
Quietly, I crawl to the mouth or nose, wait for a cough or a sneeze, then, Atishoo!,
rere ana au ki tētahi wāhi rerekē, tangata rānei. Miharo!
I fly on to a different place or person. Brilliant !
I kotahi rā kua tae mai au ki tēnei kāinga mō ngā kuia, koro hoki, kua pakeke
One day I arrived at a retirement village.
katoa. Kua whiti te rā. Haere ai au i roto i tētahi rangatahi, he tama teitei, kore
It was the best day of my life. I was taken there by an unsuspecting gangly brainless
hinengaro, e kawe ana te hangarau, he waea pukoro rorohiko hoki. Pa, pa, pa
youth prattling away on his smartphone. Pa, pa, pa…..
mahi ai i ngā wā katoa ōna matimati ki te papatuhi o tāna waea, ā…. atu! ka
working his fingers to the bone on the keys, then, oops! Atishoo!
rere au ki tētahi kuia e hikoi hipa tata mai i a ia. Kei te pārekareka ki ahau pērā te haere
Off I flew to on to a nice old lady passing nearby. I love travelling like that.
Ko tēnei wahine, Ko Puna Kaukau, he kaihaere nui. Kua haere ia ki ngā wāhi
This gentle soul, Tubby by name, was a seasoned traveller. She had travelled
katoa o te ao. He wahine ngutumomoho ia, tautohe ana. Tokomaha āna hoa,
the world in her day. What a gob she had! Gossiping with friends the whole time
e kore whakamā. Kei te pai ki a ia te tāne whai rawa. He wahine o te ao ia, me ngā
shamelessly. Tubby loved rich men and was very worldly in her time,
kākahu ātaahua ngā kākahu whero. Nāna te tuitui kākahu i pai. Kei te pai hoki
you could tell from the fine clothes she sewed herself. Red was her favourite colour. She
ki a ia te tēnehi tēpu, ā, te kaukau kau, pērā pea i tāna ingoa.
played table tennis and enjoyed swimming naked. Tubby, however, was well named,
I te turituri ia i tētahi tāringa, ā kāore tētahi niho ki mua, e paku ātaahua ana pea.
deaf in one ear and had an arguably attractive gap between her front teeth.
Kua marenatia ia kia RIMA ngā wā. Ko te hoa rangatira tuarima, ko Tānga tāna ingoa,
She married FIVE times. Her fifth husband, called Tony,
i te tauira i ngā wā o mua, kei te rua tekau ngā tau anakē ki a ia. E ono tekau nōna.
was a student in days gone by, only 20 years old. She, in contrast, was over 60.
Ahakoa he hīanga tōna hoa ka aroha tonu a Tubby ki a ia, engari he ririhau te hononga.
Despite his failings Tubby loved Tony, but the relationship was turbulent.
I te tapahia kaha e ia tāna waea atamai nā ng pikitia o ngā wāhine kau ki reira,
She once stamped on his smartphone for displaying pictures of naked women,
ā, i te wā tonu, kua mekemeke iā ki te kanohi. Nō konei ka pakipakia ia
and at the same time punched him in the face. As a result he slapped
e tōna hoa ki te taringa, me te aha kei te pouturi ia i tētahi tāringa mō ake atu nei.
her across the ear, with the result that she became permanently deaf in one ear.
I taua wā ka ka moe whakakiko a Tubby hei mate, ā kua kawea atu i te waka tūroro
She then pretended to be dead and got carried away in an ambulance
kia noho hara, kia whakairoa ai a Tānga. Nā, haere tonu au ki tāku haerenga.
to punish Tony and make him feel guilty. However, I must continue on my journey.
I tētahi rā kua mare a Puna Kaukau ia ki a Hoia Eke Hoiho
One day Tubby coughed on Mr Knight, a fine
kua haere ki hea i te waka kōneke hiko. He rangatira āriki rānei ia, i ngā whanonga
man who trundled everywhere on his electric scooter with the most perfect manners.
miharo. He honore, he kororia kei a ia, engari māhaki tōna āhuatanga. Ka mau
A charming mild-mannered military man, he richly deserved the flying colours.
a ia te kākahu ōrite mō te hoia o ngā rangi. Maha ngā pūrākau tā Eke Hoiho i
he sometimes wore on his uniform. Many stories had Mr Knight of expeditions and
kōrero nō te Pakanga Tuarua. He manu rererangi nōna, mō te whawhai hoariri.
exploits as a fighter pilot in World War II.
I ēnei rā ka noho puku ia, kāore i te pai tāna whaiora. E kore e rata ki a ia ngā
These days he sits quietly not in the best of health. He abhorred
kōrero kino, ngā kōrero kawa. Ki a ia he pai ki te kōrero mō ngā mea harikoa.
nasty chatter and liked only to speak good things.
I ētahi wā kōrero ai a ia ki a ia ake. I kōrero ia mō te aroha, he mate kua whakarerekē
Sometimes he would talk to himself, speaking of love as an illness that alters
i te āhuatanga o te tīnana, ko te pūtake matua o te pakeketanga.
the bodily appearance, and is the main cause of ageing,
nā maha ngā tau moekore, moe whakatorohū, oreore ana i te pō, i te pō.
having gone many long years without sleep or rest, turning restlessly all night long.
Kua rongopuku au tēnei kōrero i te wā e noho ana au ki tana tāringa.
While I was sitting on his ear one time I overheard this story.
Tokorua ngā kainoho koroua kua mate ki te aroha ki tētahi wahine e noho hoki
Two old men both fell in love with a lady resident living
kei kōnei i tēnei kāinga. Ko Pal rāua ko Archie ngā ingoa, ā ko Emily te wahine pai.
here in this village. Pal and Archie were their names, and Emily was the woman.
Ko te āhuatanga, he whakataetae kāri kua haere kia whakatau ai ka ahatia.
It seems that a poker contest was held in the village to decide what should happen.
Kua toa a Archie, engari katāhi anō kua patua i te papa pukapuka hingaia ai nā Rūamoko.
Archie won the contest, but was crushed to death by a falling bookcase in an earthquake.
Nā reira ka marena a Pal i a Emily.
That meant that Pal got to marry Emily.
Kua piki mai au ki tōna waha whakatā ai. Nā wāi rai, ka mare ia ki tōna ringaringa matua,
I climbed into his nose. Eventually he coughed on to his hand,
kātahi nā te hāruru tere, haere atu au ki runga i te ringaringa matua o Minita Tāhae.
then a quick handshake landed me on the right hand of The Deacon.
i ngā rā o mua, he nanakia a Minita Tahae. I mahi ai ia hei pirihi tino tinihanga.
The Deacon was truly loathsome. In days gone by he used to solicit money
Mō tino moni ka tuku ia ki ētahi atu tangata ngā karakia nō te Ātua, mō te murua ā rātau
for prayers to Almighty God that some gullible victim might have his
hara nui e te Atua. E whakatakune ana ia kei te pīrangi ki a koe, engari kei te
sins forgiven in perpetuity. The Deacon was the sort of person who seemed to like
ngau tuarā mōhou. He kaiapo ia, a, he uaua ki a ia te whaiwhakaaro mō nga
you but then said things behind your back. He was fat and greedy, and found it difficult
hapa a ētahi atu tāngata. Kāore a ia i te matatikanga. Kaua koe e whakapono ki
to understand the feelings of others. Nowadays he respected nobody, and was not to be.
a ia. Ko te tōingo ia, he tangata e taera ana ki te hunga o tōna ake tānetanga.
trusted. He clung mainly to men and brought disrespect upon them.
I kōrero ia mō te Koro o "Mate", te hua matua o te whanonga heke iho.
He spoke about a man called "Death" as the ultimate destiny degenerate behaviour,
mō te apo, te pia, te kaipeti, te kānga rānei.
whether for food, beer, gambling or that vulgar habit of swearing.
Mirimiria ai a Minita Tahae ngā tāngata katoa nō wīwī nō
The Deacon used to fondle every man he came across.
wāwā, ā…… kua haere au ki te kumu o Waha Pōrangi te kaimira.
Eventually I found myself on the buttocks of Waha Pōrangi the Miller!
Ko te kaimira, ko Waha Pōrangi, he tangata nui, kei te momona tāna tīnana, ā,
Waha Pōrangi the miller was a huge man with a
ka waha papā hoki. Ka kōrero piki waha ai a ia. "E mōhio ana ahau ki tētahi kaimira
loud mouth. He used to raise his voice. "I know another miller who will
māna e hoatu he utu pai ki a koe mo nga rākau nā" ka karanga atu a Waha
give you a good price for that wood" he shouted out once
Pōrangi ki āna hoa mā. Kia tūpato koe i te tangata kohukohu. Ka whakarōrātia
to all his friends. Be careful of those who blaspheme. I used to hear him berating
e ia te karaka o te whare karakia, te karaka o te wānanga, ngā kaihanga whare,
the church secretary, the college clerk, carpenters
ngā ringa rehe, ngā kaimahi, me ngā wahine katoa, he aha, he aha. Tino paru te
and tradespeople, women in general and so on.
kiko o tāna tīnana. He haunga nui hoki. Kua pirangi au, te ngārara wheori, ki te
His body was filthy, with a pronounced odour. There were times when I, a mere virus,
patu tēnei tāne i te kita whakamate, i te mate pūkahukakā kia mauria mai tāna iro.
longed to bowl him over with pneumonia to learn a lesson or two.
Ahakoa tērā, ahakoa ko taua kōrero i runga, kei konei ōku kōrero mō te wā nei.
Nevertheless, this is my story.
Ko au te kaikōrero anakē. Tūkino pea, taokī pea, engari he pono tonu.
I am a virus and the narrator. Evil I may be, sarcastic, witty perhaps, but truthful too.
He tao rākau ka taea te karo; he tao kī, e kore e taea te karo. He pono tērā.
To this end, there is a saying, you can dodge a spear but you can't dodge sarcasm.
E ai ki a Waha Pōrangi, noho tahi ai e rua ngā tāngata, Ko Hone raua ko Alison.
According to Waha Pōrangi, there was once a couple called John and Alison
i te marenatanga āhau harikoa. Ko Hone, he kaihanga whare, rorokore, koremātau ia.
It was a happy arrangement. Hone was a rather gullible carpenter, not well informed
Te āhua nei, he māmā te tinihangatia a ia e tētahi atu tangata
It seems he could be easily duped.
Ko Alison te wahine ātaahua tonu, me ngā kākahu pai, te kōrero hemahema hoki.
However Alison was quite the opposite, well dressed, posing, and with sexy chatter.
Ahakoa he aha, kei te noho i a kōrua he rōpa, he tangata noho utu, ko Nikora tāna ingoa.
Anyway, they had a lodger, a student boarder called Nicholas.
Tino kamakama a Nikora, he tauira o te Wheturanga o te Rangi tāna kaupapa.
Nicholas was a very bright, an astronomy student.
Whakawherea a Hone e Nikora kua haere tonu mai he aituā nui kei te haere tonu nei.
He persuaded Hone that a great disaster was about to happen.
Ko te Totowai Tuarua nui te ingoa, he roma, ā, ka mutu inaia tonu nei te Ao katoa.
The great Second Flood was on its way and the end of the world was nigh.
Mā tēnei tinihanga, ka whakaae a Hone kia tukuna a Nikora moe ai a Alison.
As a result of this deceit, Hone agreed for Nicholas to sleep with his wife Alison.
Rūkahu tēnei ! Engari he kōrero pai, nē rā ?
Absolute rubbish, of course. But it made a good story, don't you think?
Kua whakamā au, he ngarara wheori, whakarongo ai tēnei pūrākau.
I was embarrassed, or, as a virus, at least ashamed to hear such a tale.
Mutu ana te kōrero, ka haere tonu te kaimira ki te wharepaku
When he had finished speaking the miller dashed to the loo with all haste.
I pārekareka ki ahau mō te panipania ki te kakau o te tatau. Kua wātea au mō te wā poto!
For me, it was a relief to end up smeared on the door handle. For a short while, I was free !
Mutu tata ana i te kōrero, ko tētahi anō tangata kei te noho kei konei.
As I come to the end of my stories, one more person lives here.
Kua noho hoki au kei ōna makawe, ōna pāhau hoki. Ko Squire tāna ingoa.
I live in his hair and in his beard and people call him "Squire".
Mōhio ake koe, ka pikopiko haere āna whakaaro. He mate hingengaro kua pā ki a ia.
You know what I mean, his thoughts are all over the place. He has dementia.
Ka aroha ia. He aha tā tāna whakaaro ? Nā, ka kōrero ia mō te rā whānau o te Kingi.
How sad. What are his thoughts ? Well, he talks about a King's birthday.
Ka puta mai he hoia, e kawe ana i ngā mea e whā. He kōneke hiko mō te haere ki rauna
A knight appears carrying four magic gifts. A scooter that can travel
i te Ao, he whakaata (mira) mō te whakaaturia o ngā aituā, te āhuatanga
the world, a mirror that can foretell plagues as well as reveal personalities,
o ngā hoa tāngata rānei, he porowhita kiwi koura kua mōhio te reo manu katoa,
and people's attitudes, a golden kiwi ring that translates bird sounds into language, and
me te hoari o Māui. Mā ēnei mea kua kōrero a ia puta noa mō ake atu nei.
and the magic sword of Māui. Putting these together he could ramble on for hours.
Ki ahau, te kōrero pai ake ko te manu kahu kua ngaro ana mā tāna hoa.
For me, the best story was about the hawk who had lost her mate.
Engari me taihoa ake tērā mō tētahi atu rangi.
Ahā! that story must wait for another day.
Ka tae haere mai a Wahine Pono. I karakia ai ia ki a Io, ia rā, ia rā mō ake tonu atu.
Soon, along comes a Lady of Faith. She prays to Almighty God regularly each day.
Ahā ! Piritonu a ia i te kakau o te tatau, māku e whitia, ka kawea ahau ki te Atua pea !
She held the handle, I crossed hoping to be carried along the way to heaven perhaps.
Auē ! Ki tāna wehenga atu o te wharepaku, kua horoia e ia ōna ringaringa i te hopi! Ugh!
Alas ! As she left the loo, she washed her hands with soap. Ugh!
Māringanui, kua hunaia au i raro i ōna kotikara tino roa. Ānanā! Kua tata mate au.
Fortunately, I had hidden underneath her fingernails. Gosh! I nearly died.
Kāore a ia i te whakamaroke ōna ringaringa, kotikara rānei, nō reira i haere au ki te ihu.
She did not dry her hands and nails properly, so I ended up on the end of her large nose.
I noho au ki reira, e piki ake ana i roto i te ihu, tipu ai.
I settled there, climbing up inside the nose to grow and multiply.
Ka aroha. Kua whiriwhiria e au tētahi wahine pai mō te patu, mate ai, i tēnei wā.
How sad. A lovely lady has been selected as my next victim.
Nā, haere tonu, haere tonu, te nohonga ora o tēnei ngārara wheori.
So, on and on goes the life of this virus.
Ka mau te wehi! He miharo ngā pūrakau mō ngā mokopuna i ngā tau e whai ake nei!
It is a great life ! Such great tales to tell grandchildren in the years to come !
Ko wai toku ingoa ? Ko Ko Rona toku ingoa. He aha tōku ki a koe?
What is my name? Ko Rona is my name. What is my message for you?
Kia horoia ō ringa, kia pare ō mare, kia nui ō roanga mō tētahi.
Wash your hands, cover your cough, stay clear of me. I live in the moon.
Kia tūpatu! E haere ana au ki a koe, patu ai!
Be careful. I am coming to get you !